It has officially been four weeks since I gave birth to a human. I still can’t believe it. It feels like 4 days and 4 years simultaneously. Now that I’ve had a second to come up for air I have a lot of thoughts lol. Mostly how NO ONE prepared me for the truth of postpartum and life with a newborn. (Update, I’m finally publishing this 10 weeks postpartum, so I’ll insert updated thoughts afterwards in some areas). Honestly, I don’t know if it’s possible to prepare someone because you can’t truly understand until you’re in it; it’s a challenge unlike any I’ve faced before.
The main thing I’ve found is that the truth of postpartum is something no one really talks about. However, when you reach out and ask people individually, they reveal that they went through it too. You aren’t alone.
If you’re pregnant and reading this… honestly, maybe don’t. Lol. There’s enough “just you wait” doomsday BS thrown at us in pregnancy to last a lifetime. But save this post for when you’re in the trenches, up in the middle of the night, feeling isolated, questioning everything. It will be here to reassure you that you are far from alone, this is temporary, and you can do it.
I wanted to share this post ASAP because even at only a couple weeks in, the emotions and truths I wanted to capture are already fading. They come back hard in the tough moments, but the days are already starting to find a rhythm in the chaos. I’m feeling much better emotionally and slowly starting to feel better physically. Good news if you’re in the thick of it when every day feels sooo long. Sooner than you think it will feel like a lifetime ago!
WHY I’M SHARING
I feel like the only thing people said about life with a newborn was something like “sleep now while you can!” Which is such a vague and lackluster attempt to share the difficulties parents, and especially moms, face postpartum. There is no mention of the emotional/hormonal rollercoaster, the night-time anxiety, the “what-have-I-done” questioning (it’s normal), the mental, physical and emotional exhaustion that has no “off” button. I think that’s one of the main things that makes this challenge unlike anything else.
In every difficulty I’ve faced in life previously, I could always “turn-off” for at least a little bit. Even for just a long nap or quiet shower. With parenting a newborn, the space of those moments doesn’t exist. The stress and exhaustion build up for days/weeks with no release valve and seemingly no break in sight *for the rest of your life???!* and it is… overwhelming, to say the least.
You’re adjusting to life with a tiny, strange creature who cannot communicate other than crying/screaming. Every second and all your energy is spent trying to figure out what they need and how to care for them. All while also *trying* to care for yourself when you are physically wrecked, emotionally unstable, never have free hands or free time and aren’t sleeping. It is HARD but, MOST IMPORTANTLY you have to remember: it isn’t forever.
A friend shared a mantra with me that really helped me in my hardest moments. “It’s not forever, it’s just for now.” Repeat it OFTEN.
I am NOT sharing this to scare anyone. I’m sharing to validate the complicated emotions and truths that come with bringing home a new baby. To help you feel less alone in the tough moments. This will probably be TMI for some, but, as always, I’m keeping it real with you guys. I want you to be able to take helpful truths away that you can relate to. So the following is my unfiltered postpartum experience after giving birth to my first child.
PHYSICAL
Pain & Tearing
Obviously everyone is different here but here’s my experience. I couldn’t even walk out of the hospital when we left. This is one of the hardest parts of postpartum- you’re giving your body over to feeding and caring for your new human while you can barely walk or go to the bathroom. I had a second degree tear (out of 4 degrees) and at week three I’m still in pretty strong pain. I’m able to walk fine now, but the bathroom is still painful- as is sitting or standing for long periods of time, going in the car etc. I was really scared of tearing but I didn’t feel it or the stitches thanks to the epidural. The stitches dissolve on their own in a few weeks so that’s easy too.
There were times when I cried as I was trying to breastfeed because it hurt so badly just to sit up, let alone the pain in my nipples. (Breastfeeding is a whole other subject and I am planning to do a separate post on it). Add in sleep deprivation and you will have moments where you feel like you can’t take it anymore. This is normal. It will pass.
Week 10 update as I’m FINALLY sharing this blog post- I feel 98% like my normal self and healed! I would say I felt mostly healed by week 6, still had some very minor lingering pain.
Bleeding & Bathroom
FYI – Postpartum you will be wearing diapers because you will be bleeding as though you have a period for days/weeks. My bleeding was pretty light, thankfully, but I was still in diapers for a week and then switched to pads. Even if you aren’t bleeding a ton you are putting sprays/ointments/witch hazel pads down there to help with pain and healing so you want something to catch it all. Also, you probably can’t control going to the bathroom fully for at least a few days… when it’s happening- it’s happening- and you just can’t hold it in. FUN.
On a positive note, I will say I felt immediate physical relief to not be pregnant anymore! The first few nights anytime Mark was holding him I was stretching, moving around and reveling in the glory of no longer carrying an extra whole human and fluid inside of me.
Week 10 update: Totally A-okay here now!
Hands
Another physical challenge was feeling like I never had my hands to myself. Pretty much 24/7 you are feeding, changing or comforting your tiny human. Eating? Going to the bathroom as needed? Never heard of her. You don’t have the hands or the time. Feeling like your body/your hands/your time is not your own is a huge struggle in itself. Don’t lose hope! At 3 weeks I’m now utilizing a baby carrier. I have been able to cook, clean and do laundry while he’s strapped to me. It is SUCH a relief. I never thought I’d be so excited to do the dishes lol.
Week 10: Still don’t have my hands to myself lol. He wants to be held most of the day for comfort, still needs feeding every 2-3 hours, etc. BUT vast improvement from immediate postpartum. He can now go in the carrier, bouncer and his playmat which he does for 20-30 minutes at a time. So definitely improving!
Night Sweats
Night sweats were another thing I wasn’t prepared for. I reached out to nurse practitioner friends worried I was dying because I would wake up SOAKED in sweat and then get the chills. Like, teeth chattering, muscles shaking, can’t get warm level of chills. Turns out- it’s totally normal and should subside in a few weeks. Mine are already gone at week three.
EMOTIONAL
Okay, this is the doozy and I’m going to be really honest here. The emotional challenges of coming home with your first child are absolutely wild and harder than (but exacerbated by) the physical challenges. Again, I can only speak to my experience. But in candidly sharing these struggles with friends and some of you, it seems to be somewhat universal. I’m going to get vulnerable here, so please read with an open heart!
Baby Blues
There is something called the “Baby Blues” that upwards of 80% of new moms experience. Cute name, not cute experience.
It’s essentially a sh*tstorm of your hormones crashing. Alongside a lack of sleep, the challenges of breastfeeding and saying goodbye to your previous identity as you know it. You will be physically and emotionally depleted, you will feel like a failure, like you aren’t cut out for this. You will question absolutely everything and possibly question why you made the decision to have a child.
You may be grieving your life before this tiny, all consuming potato showed up to dictate your every move. Grieving the person you were before and realizing being a mom is… every minute… for the rest of your life. Please know that this is NORMAL.
Please know this is not a reflection on the love you have for your child or your capabilities as a parent or any indication of how you will feel even a couple short weeks from these tough moments.
I feel like this isn’t really spoken about openly because people feel they will be judged. It feels incredibly isolating as it’s happening. I promise you that you are SO far from alone in these feelings, and they WILL pass. Like I said, I’m only 3 weeks in and already these moments that felt like lifetimes feel like distant. If these feelings don’t pass, please reach out to your doctor to explore options and rule out PPA or PPD.
Week 10: I feel fully settled into mom-life and cannot imagine life without him. The love I have for him is unlike any other. I could just stare at him all day while feeling like my heart is going to burst. He’s more perfect than I could have dreamed. The terrifying hormone-induced fear I felt clouded in to start with feels like another life.
Tiny Dictator Stranger
Another super vulnerable truth: I didn’t feel that overwhelming, all-consuming joy when I held my baby for the first time.
I feel like so many people say, “When you hold them for the first time you will be overwhelmed with the love you feel!” I was still in shock from giving birth but my first reaction was more like- “oh sh*t, this is really happening.” LOL. Of course I loved him- I had spent 9 months creating him. That showed in the sense that I was very concerned with his survival, and I wanted to stare at him constantly, but… he felt like a stranger at first.
A newborn can’t express themselves other than crying, they barely open their eyes. You really can’t “get to know them”. Every ounce of your being is going to this tiny dictator who is essentially a very cute, very stressful potato. Mark and I both agreed that while of course we cared for him immediately, he felt like a stranger who barged in and took over our lives until we got to know him a little.
Obviously we are BEYOND obsessed with him now. But I just feel like the pressure to have this all-consuming love for someone immediately upon seeing them is a lot. I’m absolutely sure some people have that! But this was my experience and it feels kind of… normal logically? I don’t know, you either get it or you don’t and I hope it comes across here as intended.
10 Week Update & Thoughts
Whew. Reading back through everything feels like a high level overpass of an incredibly nuanced and all-consuming postpartum experience. It really isn’t possible to describe or understand it unless you’re in it. Already just a few weeks past the experience it is hard to remember and feels like another life.
The short version is: after giving birth you won’t sleep, you’ll be in pain, exhausted, depleted. You can’t possibly anticipate the level of intensity and emotion that will be coursing through you. However, my point in sharing and the ultimate takeaway I want you to have is IT IS NORMAL, YOU WILL BE OKAY and IT WILL GET BETTER.
I felt like the first two weeks was the hardest. Week three was like.. okay there may be a light at the end of the tunnel… a month in was like, I know I’ll make it through this… and two months was a HUGE turning point where life began to feel so much more manageable and I started to feel close to my normal self again.
I’ve linked some postpartum essentials for the physical side of things. But the number one thing that got me through the toughest moments was the amazing community of fellow moms who reached out to me. They checked in on me, shared advice, brought meals and more. I have been BLOWN AWAY by the support of women I barely know who came in to support me. If you don’t have that nearby, find it in Mom groups on Facebook or elsewhere on social media. It makes ALL the difference. Truly. Please feel free to reach out to me on IG if you’re in this right now and need support or have questions! I’m an open book.
You’ve got this.
Xx,
