Mental Health : It’s Ok to Not be Ok

Sweater: Chicwish | Jeans Zara- similar here | Boots Nordstrom | Sunglasses Amazon

Mental Health is something it feels so important to be open about. My family has been directly effected by untreated mental health issues my whole life, and I never want anyone to feel alone in their struggles. I recently had a bit of a breakdown.

If you follow me on Instagram you probably saw my stories series where I got a lil emo and a lot vulnerable {still under my story highlights – real talk}.

Basically, I was feeling like I had lost touch with who I am, the feeling of joy, my faith in anything outside of myself. No big deal, really… lol!

I suppose if we are into labeling things I’ve been feeling depressed.

The joy that normally comes so naturally to me from the smallest things had been escaping me. The songs I love to listen to, the feeling of Fall and a great candle, being outside in nature, spending time with friends and family, DISNEYLAND – literally the thought of any of those things just left me feeling empty. The faith that I have in a universal energy, the concept that our thoughts create our reality to become things, all of that felt like the biggest BS on the planet and like I would never be in touch with it again. I’m still not back to my “normal” self, and some days feel better than others, but I am generally feeling much better than I was last week.

It wasn’t just a fleeting moment where all of this came up for me. To be honest it has been building inside of me for a few weeks, maybe even a couple of months. I think it all started with the pain I was having my hands. I had a lot of downtime and an escape from social media (since I couldn’t hold my phone) so I reflected on a lot of things about myself, my business, my life etc.

While my natural state of being is generally one of joy and positivity I do feel that I am prone to semi-regular periods of over-thinking and melancholy.

When I find myself in a state like this it’s usually because I’ve been focusing on things OUTSIDE of myself, comparing, stuck in negative thought patterns and constantly feeling like I’m never enough. This sets me into a frenzied, anxious energy where I feel like I need to do 10,000 things because I’m *not doing enough* but wind updoing nothing because I feel so overwhelmed I’m paralyzed. Oh yeah, and then I feel guilty for feeling paralyzed and sort of shrink down inside of myself and punch myself in the gut every few seconds with stress/anxiety/guilt. Fun, right?! What to do in your spare time in 2018!

In these times that feel off or difficult or empty I believe we are being urged to examine things and grow.

I think these times of quiet desperation are actually often beautiful gifts that, if we use them, can help guide us towards the truest versions of ourselves and our purpose. My fellow blog Babe, Talia Hubble, recently introduced me to a quote expressing this concept beautifully. It’s by writer Caroline Calloway it sparked my soul because it rang so true:

So I’m really trying to take my time and sit with these emotions and learn and grow from why they are showing up for me. I’m giving myself grace and relishing that this may be a time for tumultuousness for me but there are lots of lessons to be had within it. Here are some I think I’ve found:

On the Business Side

I realized that the direction I’ve been heading in with Instagram doesn’t feel completely true to myself/ my original intentions of having a platform. I ALWAYS keep it real with you guys {hi: this post/ crying on stories lol} and I have never changed who I am or what I stand for on my platforms. BUT I never started this to just share clothes.

I started to share the world through my lens, how to find the beauty in the smallest things, tips to live a luxe lifestyle {which has nothing to do with $$$}, a life that looks good and FEELS good, etc. I realized in my downtime I have been so focused on keeping up with content creation/ collaborations/ Instagram posting daily/ etc that I’ve begun sharing a lot of… clothes. Which- I LOVE don’t get me wrong, fashion is a HUGE part of who I am and how I express my creativity. Sometimes I vilify that and that’s not right either. I just plan to incorporate a lot more LIFE in the Lifestyle. Home Decor, DIY projects, Productivity and Purposeful Living {But, I mean, I always plan to wear cute clothes while doing it}

Also, FULL DISCLOSURE, still struggling with perfectionism over here. Hi, my name is Caitlin and it has taken me 3 weeks to write this post because I’m building it up in my head and nothing feels RIGHT or GOOD ENOUGH or an entirely accurate depiction of what I’m hoping to share so… the posts never go up. Those days are done. This blog is what is MINE and a lot of what is driving me so insane in this area of life is Instagram, tbh. A platform I don’t own, have no control over, am constantly frustrated with and sucks me into hours of comparison struggles each week. So this clearly isn’t working for me. I think focusing on THIS space, which I have full control over, will help feed my heart hungers. Which leads me to…

Life Stuff

I haven’t been doing the things I used to love so much because I’m feeling overwhelmed/exhausted/out of time. Things like DIY projects, home decorating, entertaining, etc. I have basically convinced myself there isn’t enough time in the day and it will be too tiring. Not enough time to work, run my blog/business/live my life. I’m living in a state of lack vs a state of abundance. Messages have been coming to me from all directions reminding me that there is ALWAYS enough time. Literally even from THE UNIVERSE itself – see below. PS If you don’t get these emails I highly recommend them! You can sign up to get them free HERE).

I’m working to shift my mindset on this perceived lack of time. It’s going to start with PRIORITIZING the things that matter to me AND setting myself up for success in those areas.

A quick example- I know I feel better when I read before bed vs A. bingeing a TV show or B. scrolling through social media. BUT I rarely read in bed because 1. the lighting in our bedroom is horrific and 2. there are usually clothes strewn about everywhere since we don’t have enough closet space.

SO one of the things I did to get my mind out of my funk that also helped set me up to succeed in reading before bed is CLEANING OUT MY CLOSET so the room stays more peaceful.  I have also been looking for affordable, chic bedside light situations that will enable me to read. This brings back something I love to do that I have lost touch with (home decor) and sets me up for success with reading. {PS I’ll def share some picks for the lights!}

So basically, I’m re-discovering and re-prioritizing what matters to me. I’m also working to give myself grace in the moments where it feels like nothing matters to me because I know that is a lie from FEAR building inside of me saying, “Do not care about the things because if you care about the things they can hurt you!”

I feel deeply. Sometimes it hurts, but it makes me who I am and is directly connected to my capacity to create.

There are no good feelings or bad feelings, all just different facets of ourselves that make up the whole of our soul and guide us on our journey. There is no need to assign meaning or judge how we feel. The judgement of the feeling is what keeps us feeling exhausted & paralyzed.

Health Side

I’ve talked to you guys about my struggles with food before {apparently I can only actually blog really huge emotional things?}. I also let you know when I started my new BBG routine. My crazy health issues over the past few months stopped me dead in my tracks with fitness BUT really gave a new outlook on my eating. Long story short- I had excruciating, debiltating pain in my hands and arms from about July – Sept of this year. As in couldn’t hold my phone, couldn’t type on a computer, couldn’t live my life at all. No one could tell me what was wrong (2 doctors, 2 chiropractors and and acupuncturist) until finally we did ALL. THE. BLOODWORK possibile and found out I actually had a severe vitamin D2 deficiency causing the pain. Mind blown.

This really made me re-think what I put into my body. It was so badly lacking in essential vitamins it put me in the worst pain of my life. For months. Since discovering this… truthfully I’ve yo-yo’d. It hasn’t been all kale smoothies and nutrients, my friends.

I go between wanting to eat all the leafy greens and treat my body really well to feeling my food struggle feelings and wanting nothing but cheese and carbs to fill a void in my heart. I’m nowhere near perfect. But I’m listening. I FEEL better physically and mentally when I eat well. I’m no chef, at all, but I’m feeling called to step into easy, healthy meals because my defaulting to Frozen Trader Joe’s food is not a long term solution.

I also felt my best when I was physically active doing my BBG routine. It was my first time ever being able to stick with an exercise routine! Made it 6 whole weeks before my pain hit and I couldn’t sit on the couch without crying, let alone work out. Since getting my pain under control I have worked out a few times with Mark at the gym and done some hikes, but haven’t gotten fully back into my regular routine. I started BBG legit because I couldn’t handle my emotions and it helped SO much. I know getting back into fitness will help me. Come to think of it, I’m committing to hitting “post” on this soon and heading out for a lil jog {BECAUSE I HAVE ENOUGH TIME, REMEMBER?!}

Getting Back on Track

I’m immersing myself in things to re-ignite my faith and joy. I’m listening to podcasts that inspire me {some favs- Super Soul Conversations, Marie Forleo, Tony Robbins} reading books that help guide me or help me escape {So right now I’m reading The New Pshyco Cybernetics which helps get me back in touch with Law of Attraction and feeling in control of my life from a scientific rather than spiritual-based perspective and Then There Were None a mystery thriller so I’m not caught in my head all the time.} Not trying to re-work everything or over-think things. Just really focusing my tuning fork on what makes my heart feel good vs bad, without judgement, and taking it one day at a time.

Some lessons I’m learning: times of emotional depletion are an opportunity to examine and grow rather than judge. You have as much time as you convince yourself you do. Nothing is exhausting or overwhelming on its own, the meaning we assign to it makes it so. Don’t think too much. Storms pass.

Always appreciate tips from you guys! I got so many messages after sharing on Instagram from those of you feeling similarly. Mental Health needs to be talked about because we’re all in this together, you aren’t alone and you are so loved. Hugs!

Xx,