I have a problem with food.

This truth has been hiding inside of me for a long time.

I am afraid of what people will think about a relatively in-shape (from the outside at least) person discussing their food woes. Afraid of admitting to myself that there is an area of my life that is out of control. I am afraid that by admitting this it means I actually have to make a change and I am afraid for what that means for my comfort foods, to be honest. I’m afraid of letting go of the unhealthy obsession and crutch I have leaned on for so long.

Just a lot of fear-based thinking which, as we know, never leads to anything good.

I’m writing this in the present tense. I AM afraid, not I WAS afraid.

Because another excuse I’ve been using to stop me from facing this is: I can’t talk about it until I’ve conquered it.

Why would I blog about something I haven’t tested and verified a solution for? What good is it to my readers to share a problem without a handy, pin-worthy list of 5 surefire ways to fix it?

But I’m sharing it anyway because this blog is about TRUTH. It’s not about living a perfect life. It’s about living a life that makes you feel good. And right now, I don’t feel good.

{Feel well, actually. “You don’t feel WELL.” Says my English major left-side brain}

Basically, every week for months has looked something like this…

Life:

So many exciting things! Email! Create content for Instagram. Insta story all day, everyday. Engage! Day job. Conceptualize blog posts. Coffee with other bloggers! Travel with friends! Write blog posts. Shoot photos for blog posts. Travel to family! Emails! Attend blogging events. Family birthdays! Network! Friends from out of town. Pull clothes from showrooms. Email! Friends’ birthdays! More events after work. Emails! Baby showers. Bridal showers!

Stress because there aren’t enough hours in the day and you feel like you’re slipping behind and everyone is growing faster than you and you haven’t started a Youtube channel and you aren’t tagging your SEO correctly and you still haven’t reached out to any brands or PR companies and you haven’t planned content for your upcoming vacation and you can’t figure out which direction you want to go in with the 9842 things you’re brainstorming and when was the last time you saw this friend or this friend they keep trying to schedule with you and it has been a month since you saw your Grandma and you need to call her and see your parents and read and workout and meditate and did you ever return that text from so and so and… Email!

MUST MAINTAIN CONTROL OR EVERYTHING WILL CRUMBLE.

A Need For Control

The first time I went to my therapist who does talk therapy alongside structural integration, so, very holistic- he took one look at how I stood and said, “It looks like you’re afraid the rug is about to be pulled out from under you.”

Ummmmm. What. Get out of my brain!

As evidenced in the above Life summary I juggle a lot of balls, as we all do, and I use every fiber of my being to maintain a feeling of control in those areas. {I know. I’m working on it. It’s a bit much lol}

So the food….

A close friend I had growing up was anorexic, and in overcoming it she shared with me that anorexia is often less about body image and more about control. the food we put in our bodies is something we generally have total control over. I’m definitely not comparing my food issue to someone who is severely anorexic, but I’ve realized this thought process is almost the opposite for me, food is the one area of my life where I can RELEASE control.

I can break the rules. Step outside the lines. I can numb pain. With little to no consequence.

Until now. The consequences are happening.

I’m being kind of vague about my actual situation so here’s the bottom line:

I am using food as a numbing tool / crutch / stress release / obsession. An emotional overeater.

When I feel stressed I smother those emotions in food. Mindlessly overeating the unhealthiest of foods to the point of making myself physically ill.

I know this, yet I still haven’t been able to stop.

Shitty day? Over-scheduled? Tired? Stressed?

Mac and cheese. Pizza. And entire triangle of Brie. Burgers. Burritos. Apparently lots of B foods. Pie. Often in excessive amounts.

When I’m at work: cheez-its, oreos, salt and vinegar chips- things I would never buy for myself but are readily available in our office kitchen.

They say cheese and sugar have similar effects to Heroin in our brains. Boy do I believe it because for the brief moments I’m shoveling that creamy goodness into my mouth I feel nothing. Until I feel pain in my stomach that is…

I don’t know when this trend started, but it’s not new. I remember driving 20 minutes to a nearby town in college just to get a certain type of pie or pizza, and consuming it all myself within a day or so.

Wow. I guess we’re just gettin real personal up in here today. Whew.

Where I’m At Now

So now, I’m finally feeling the consequences. And I’m actually so grateful for that because it genuinely makes me ready for change

This has been an issue on and off in my life for a long time, clearly. But I’ve never really had lasting consequences from it, all the more reason to keep on keeping on, right?

Generally the cycle goes something like this:

Treat my body like crap. Stressed. Over eat and eat unhealthy things. Lose all sense of self-care and lots of self-respect.

Have an event (wedding, vacay, shoot etc to “tone up” for)

Go FULL ON other direction. Vegan! No carbs! Barry’s Bootcamp! Soulcycle! All the things!

Feel great/ look great. May as well indulge after all that hard work right? Get stressed, fall into food hole. Repeat cycle.

But this is the first time I’ve realized- I DON’T FEEL WELL.

Am I gaining weight? Yes. But for once that is not my catalyst for change. I have a vacation in Mexico coming up in 3 weeks and have zero motivation to “prep” in any way for it whatsoever. It’s not about that this time.

I’m tired.

I’m so fucking tired, to be honest with you. 

I have no energy and I feel just… not well. I heard an interview the other day where the person said it’s amazing how many of us go through life feeling crappy and just thinking that’s the norm. This hit me so hard because I feel like that’s where I am.

And my skin. Oh my skin. You guys know how much I care about skincare. Well ya know what? My skin looks like shit right now. In fact, for the first time in several years I woke up with a LEGIT ZIT on my cheek. I’m talking white-head status. If this is what I’m doing to my outsides can you even imagine what my insides look like?! Ew. I mean it’s partly all the crap I’m eating and partly because when I don’t feel well all my self-care falls to the wayside, so I def haven’t been doing my skin routine the way I used to. My food issues bleed into all areas.

Then I feel badly about myself because I’m like, why can’t I get this area of my life under control?! Why WON’T I? And my mind is racing because I’m not being physically active and I’m not meditating and my gut is full of chemicals and… well… you get it. Vicious cycle.

So, I don’t have answers.

I don’t have the 5 tips to fix emotional eating and I’m not going to jump into a crazy strict “healthy” eating plan that will fix every area of my life. We already know that doesn’t work.

It starts with this. This post. Admitting that I have a problem. And this thought:

I was listening to a podcast the other day with the founders of healthy food delivery program, Sakara Life, and one of the founders was talking about her eating disorder in the past. She said she was always concerned with eating too much, but once she learned about nutrition that mindset shifted to “Am I eating enough?” ENOUGH leafy greens, enough colors of vegetables, enough nutrients. This stuck with me and I love it. It’s not about eliminating certain foods or food groups, or deeming certain foods as “bad”. It’s not that I’m limiting certain things, it’s about ADDING in enough of the GOOD things, that it naturally crowds out the other things for the most part. Because lemme tell ya, I’m not going to stop eating cheese or pizza or pie, but they need to not be an obsession or feeling-number in my life.

I’ll be sure to share more on this journey with you guys. Right now I don’t cook. Like, at all. So, I think that needs to change. I have already learned some about out gut being a second brain and effecting energy, immune system, emotions and more- I’ll def be learning and sharing more on that. And, as always, I’m excited to see the effect this has on my skin, haha!

But just getting this out there feels like a great relief, so thank you for reading. I always keep it REAL with you guys because we are all fighting our own battles and I hope by sharing some of mine it can help you feel maybe not so alone in yours. We’re all in this together, Boo pigs!

Thanks for reading. As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Xx,