“I was just coasting, never really going anywhere. Caught up in a web I was getting kind of used to staying there”
– Butterflies. By Queen, Kacey Musgraves
I haven’t posted on Instagram in two weeks.
I know that for many people that may be normal, but for a blogger/content creator that is essentially the kiss of death. The algorithm and all that sh*t. Consistency. Out the window. Gone. May as well give up now. Girl, bye. It was a nice life while it lasted lol.
I have done long stints off of IG in the past.
I turned off while I was caring for my mom during her breast cancer and double mastectomy. While I had my skin cancer and was dealing with a toxic work environment. When I had inexplicable, excruciating arm pain that left me unable to use my hands. When That Pig was very sick, and again when she passed.
Jesus.
Do you ever look at your life and think to yourself “Man, I’ve really been through some SH*T”? LOL. It’s been quite the last 4 years over here.
Not to mention- oh, the emotions of a pandemic and the many social injustices of 2020. CASUAL.
So I obviously cut myself slack right? As we all do when we face year after year of actual waves of HARD crashing in our lives? Of course not.
I compared.
Why am I not where SHE is. Why do I not have THIS, THAT, THE OTHER. What is wrong with ME? Why can’t I just X, already?
Drowning in pain, and confusion and the illusion of lack. Continually paddling the same desperate, erratic paddle so I could pop my head above the water every so often to shout “I’m fine! All good over here! Everything is happening for a reason! This is my path! I’m learning all the lessons! Don’t worry about me, guys!”
It’s true. I have learned and grown so much the last few years. I’ve become an immensely strong swimmer, but I have been treading water in the same place.
I was so desperately trying to stay above water that I couldn’t see my destination anymore. I just focused on the fact that I was still sort of swimming and that I could gasp for air every once in a while. Air that was heavy with the anxiety of drowning. The whole time BERATING myself for not having yet built a castle on some island that I couldn’t even find the shore of anymore.
I KNEW if I just paddled a little harder the castle would be mine. Jesus, Caitlin, you don’t even have it in your to paddle a little harder?! If you were good enough, you would be able to paddle harder! If you were good enough you wouldn’t even have to paddle as hard! Come on.
A clear recipe for success if I’ve ever heard one. Path to greatness, guys!
Then, one day a few weeks ago, I got so f*ing tired of paddling. It had been building for months, or years. I got tired of frantically paddling and getting nowhere. Tired of beating myself up, tired of being beaten up. I didn’t give a single F anymore. So what if I drown? I already felt like I was drowning. So I stopped paddling.
I got still.
And instead of drowning, I began to float.
I forgot about floating because I had lost my faith. Faith in the water, the universe, faith in myself.
I spoke with a dear friend who told me with no uncertainty, “Caitlin, you are a butterfly and you are in transformation inside your chrysalis. You have been fighting so you have the strength and skills to fly when you break out. But right now you’re in the cocoon. Just BE in your chrysalis. BE in the transition. This is your tipping point.”
I felt it. It was the first thing that felt true to me in a long time.
I immediately looked up “how do caterpillars become butterflies.”
“One day, the caterpillar stops eating, hangs upside down from a twig or leaf and spins itself a silky cocoon or shiny chrysalis. Within its protective casing, the caterpillar radically transforms its body, eventually emerging as a butterfly.”
It also turns its entire body into goo with the exception of several “imaginal disks” that contain its key coding to grow. In reading this I realized that I have misplaced most of my imaginal disks. I think many of us have, especially the last few years. Some of my imaginal disks are:
+ Faith- in myself and something greater than myself
+ Hope- that future can be better than the past and that we have the power to make it so
+ Trust – in myself and others
+ Art – life as art. The beauty around and within me.
+ Magic – in it’s greatest and smallest forms
+ Joy – not happiness. But a sustained way of interacting with the world that brings peace
+ Imagination – and PLAY & FUN. Not taking everything so seriously
+ Love
So right now I’m focused on the BEING inside of my chrysalis. Sitting still and remembering where I put my imaginal disks. Remembering and discovering through reading, writing, creating without expectation, playing, moving, praying, meditating, doing nothing. DEFINITELY not being on social media much, if at all. I’m working to tune out the voice in my head that regularly pops up screaming “Times up! You’ve had enough time being, it’s time to do. You aren’t doing enough. You’re f*ing it all up!”
I’m doing my best to turn into goo.
The last few years I was drowning because I was trying to swim when I was meant to fly. And to fly- first, I must goo. So for now, I’m gooing. I’m being. And I’m excited to see what color my wings are.
Xx
