Hello, my friends. It has been quite some time both on here and over on Instagram, where, ICYMI, I just shared that I’m pregnant! It honestly still feels a bit surreal, and it has been SO hard not to share the news. I feel like now that I can share it with you it feels more tangible somehow, which is kind of weird when I write it out, but you guys are my friends and genuinely a big part of my life and it felt like the sharing wasn’t complete until you were in on the secret.
So, yes, I’m pregnant. WILD. It was a big part of the reason I was off IG and here for so long. I’ve been keeping so much quiet that this is going to be a longggg post to get it all out. So, here we go…
When We Found Out
First of all, the hard stuff. We found out I was pregnant just a few days after my Dad passed away. Even now, it is incredibly painful for me to write those words. It breaks my heart. He was the person I was most excited to tell. He was SUCH a baby person, everywhere we went if there was a baby around he’d be making silly faces and googly eyes at them. Finding out something so joyful in the midst of something so painful was… an experience. It definitely did not feel real and to be honest I don’t think I really processed it for a couple weeks. Life didn’t even feel real at that point, I was so deep in grief.
I carried a lot of guilt that I didn’t tell him that it was at least a possibility I was pregnant. Mark and I had started consciously trying at this point, so I knew it was possible. At the time, I didn’t want to get my dad’s hopes up, or tell him we were pregnant and then if it turned out we weren’t I would’ve felt like I lied to him. It is still really hard for me, but as my wonderful friends and family (and therapist) assure me, he knows now. I am working to trust in that and release the sadness I have surrounding it all, but it’s a work in progress and I’m crying all over again as I type this.
There was a really beautiful moment right before my Dad passed… He couldn’t breathe well, and he was barely speaking, but there was a moment when my mom and I were standing next to his bed and he looked at us, pointed and counted, “One, two… three.” But it was just the two of us. He did it several times, pointing next to me each time he said “three.” I’m not sure if was him looking for Mark (he was racing home from Mammoth in the middle of the night to be there), or if my sister’s spirit was there to help him (she passed a few years ago) but I wonder if it may have been the soul of our baby, and he knew it was there all along.
As hard as it has been, it is the circle of life and a beautiful reminder to appreciate it while we have it, and appreciate those we share it with while we have them.
My First Trimester Experience
As always, I’m not going to sugarcoat or BS my experience. I know you value my honesty so that’s what we’re doing here. My first trimester was pretty awful. Obviously I was in a unique position of grieving during this time, but I was not prepared for feeling as horrific as I did.
Physically, I had the typical symptoms you associated with pregnancy. “Morning Sickness” – which is a total misnomer. It should be called all-day sickness. I never actually threw up, which I know to the people who were puking 10 times a day is probably very annoying, but I did have EXTREME nausea all-day every day. It was to the point where I often considered forcing myself to throw up to try to relieve the constant feeling that I was about to vom. I was unbelievably exhausted and achy. The closest description that feels accurate is it literally felt like I had the flu for 2 months straight. I was constantly asking Mark if I had a fever because it full-on felt like I had the flu and was about to puke at any moment.
Also migraines and, the bane of my existence, “dysguesia” AKA what I call “disgustia” – which I still have now. It’s a constant sour/metallic taste in my mouth. Apparently a somewhat common pregnancy symptom for which there is no cure. I’m hoping it fades as I get further into my second trimester.
What I felt MOST unprepared for was the mental turmoil. We have all heard of postpartum depression after you give birth, but I hadn’t heard much about anxiety and depression in pregnancy, until I experienced it. I am sure my state of grief contributed to this, not to mention my mom going through a cancer recurrence and treatment during this time, but I know my own heart and mind and it was way more than that. Heart-racing anxiety bordering on panic attacks, and depression where I couldn’t get myself to want to partake in life. I talked to my Doctor about it, and she said it isn’t uncommon, especially in the first trimester, as you have so many major hormonal changes happening. Thankfully, as I’ve reached my second trimester this has lifted and I’m finally feeling like myself again. I just want to share because even in researching I didn’t find many other experiences of pregnancy anxiety/depression, but for me it was very real, so please know if this is something you’re dealing with you are not alone.
Where I’m at Now
I just hit 13 weeks and feel like I’m coming out of a fog in a lot of ways. I’m starting to get my energy back (with naps still needed). My nausea and flu-like symptoms are almost gone, only the disgustia remains lol.
I had a full vision board for this pregnancy (a section I didn’t share with you guys at the new year!) with pregnancy workouts and big, beautiful bowls full of veggies and nutrients. However, the entire first trimester if I could stomach eating something I basically only ate some variation of carbs and cheese, plus lots of sour gummy candies. And I abso-f-ing-lutely was not moving my body at all. So now that I’m finally feeling better I’m excited to get back to working out and finally give this poor baby some healthy meals. (My doctor assures me that it is still getting everything it needs).
I’m SO excited for what’s to come. Everything is really starting to feel real, and we found out the sex last week which makes it feel even more real! I’ll share that with you soon, too. Even though we aren’t going super “gendered” with things I still feel like knowing the sex helps me picture the baby so I can finally take steps toward designing the nursery with them in mind. I’ve got some secret Pinterest boards going on and I can’t wait to share that process with you ASAP! Ahhh so many more things to share now that the secret is out! I wanted so badly to reach out to you and ask your tips for everything I’ve been going through so far, complain and cry about things sometimes tbh, and so much more. I promise I won’t turn into babies r us or anything. I’ve never been a kid person, to be honest, and plan on adding this content in organically but in a way that isn’t obtrusive to those who may not care. But I’m so happy to finally be able to get back to sharing the truth of my life with you again.
Ahhh, here we go!
Xx,
